rejecting happiness

A funny thing happened when I showed a friend this sketch of two mates that I had created in early December. 

Now, according to current standards and conventions, I knew (when I drew it) that it wasn’t a great drawing.  It wasn’t something I’d try to sell or pass off as “good.”   So as I was flipping through my sketchpad, I was anticipating coming to this drawing. I was bracing myself for a gut-feeling of regret and embarrassment and was searching for excuses to tell my friend...that it was done off the top of my head, that I had been tired, etc.

But when the drawing showed itself, I was very surprised that I did not reject it out-of-hand.  On the contrary!  What came up was total acceptance and calmness.   I actually liked it!

What came next was even more interesting: I became frightened at what this meant.  I thought something along the lines of, “What if I developed an aesthetic sense that had nothing to do with what’s accepted in society?”  Would I be socially excluded?   Or go down an artistic path that has no meaning to other people?    I was plunged into fear again! 

I thought about what happened for quite a while.  It's funny (weird) how I wasn’t happy with my own reaction, which was basically one of acceptance. It brings up the point of how much we’re looking “out there” for reward and acknowledgement, even at the expense of our own happiness.  Because isn’t the whole point of art and life is simply to be happy?  So why wasn’t I happy about being happy?

It was a striking example of how quickly the ego likes to change the agenda.  It’s always trying to steal the show and comes up with reasons not to be satisfied and not to be at peace. 

In art, the ego is a particularly cruel critic and finds various ways of not being happy with our work.  Two ways it does this is trying to turn our focus on “what other people think”, which is really something we don’t know and will never know anyway.  Another way is by comparing and contrasting our work with every other artists’, which is also impossible.

I find it so interesting that art brings up these issues so clearly.  That’s why I think art is wonderful spiritual tool.